Colleagues' gossip about my old age. How to Deal with People Who Gossip

“The opium of the oppressed” is how Erica Jong, author of the best-selling book “Fear of Flying,” described the phenomenon of a broken phone. We often become the object of close attention from society, which, unfortunately, sometimes gives rise to fantastic stories, almost legends, with our candidate in the leading role. This is quite unpleasant, even if the sources of speculation and their further spreaders are envious people or old women who spend their time-bound leisure in this way. It is annoying, depressing and even brings you to tears. How to deal with gossip and whether it can be prevented is the topic of today’s article.

As a rule, we learn news about ourselves from people close to us, who consider it their duty to bring to our attention what, for example, Baba Katya said from the second entrance. Although, rumors can also take the form of an impersonal “they are talking about you...” from the lips of the same acquaintances. Immediately after hearing this, emotions take precedence over reason and provoke the discredited person to make at least four mistakes.

Four behavioral errors:

1. Outrage.

This reaction is quite predictable. After all, what was attributed to you is not always true. Either everything was not entirely true, corresponding to only 20 - 30 percent of the truth, or it did not happen at all.

For example, being married, you meet with a childhood friend after many years of separation, sit in a cafe, chat, but by coincidence, your colleague is at the end of the hall, unwittingly turning his table into an observation point. In the evening, your spouse makes you a scene of jealousy, accusing you of cheating. And all because Angelica from the accounting department has excellent eyesight, a rich imagination and a very long tongue. What will you do in the first moments after hearing accusations against you? Of course, to be indignant, which means speaking in a raised voice, getting nervous, and, as a result, harming your health.

2. Excuses.

They follow the outrage. You begin to deny everything and provide evidence of your innocence, not realizing that you are thereby provoking the gossiper to further spread rumors and, confirming the saying “there is no smoke without fire.” A person who has not the slightest relation to the information passed about him from mouth to mouth will never make excuses.

3. Clarification of relationships.

You are overcome by a feeling of anger and a strong desire to look the gossiper in the eyes. If you can determine the source of the rumors, you pay him a visit and ask him a question directly. Whatever the “storyteller” answers, conflict cannot be avoided. But what will you achieve with such a rash act? The rumors will most likely stop, but you will absolutely make an enemy for yourself. He will quietly hate you until negative emotions again begin to flow from excess over the edge.

4. Revenge and threats.

The natural desire of the target of gossip is to do something nasty in response. But you cannot respond to dirty tricks with evil: this way you will disturb the snake’s nest even more. The same applies to threats: by starting a war with the enemy, you thereby turn on the green light for the “continuation of the banquet,” inciting the enemy more and more. After all, it “feeds” on your negative reaction, becoming stronger at the energy level than before.

and how to behave:

In fact, you need to behave differently: do not wave your sword, challenging the gossip to a duel, but, armed with a shield, skillfully repel the enemy’s attacks.

Instead of getting angry, stay calm. Better yet, demonstrate indifference as opposed to a stormy showdown. You can also ironically support rumors about yourself by adding some juicy detail. The one who told you the news about you, like the writer of gossip, will understand that rumors do not make you worry, and, therefore, this method of influence is useless.

Never make excuses, because this puts you in a humiliating position. You will not restore your reputation in the eyes of the public this way. And is it worth trying? Would an intelligent person, especially one who knows you well, believe some rumors of dubious origin? And it’s not worth proving anything to gullible people who are hanging their ears. Appreciate those who don't care about gossip about you: they are your strength.

Stoop to threats and revenge? Well, I do not! A person who weaves a web of public lies around you is simply NOT worthy of your attention. And in general, popular wisdom says: “If they are talking about you, it means you are still alive,” that is, you stand out from the crowd, because they don’t spread gossip about gray mice.

A quote from the French writer Jules Renard comes to mind:

“Never repeat what you haven’t heard yourself.”

To prevent gossip from affecting you, you need to learn to keep your mouth shut. Unfortunately, the tendency to condemn is firmly established in human nature - only saints can live without uttering a word about their neighbor...

admin

It is impossible to imagine a work team without gossip. The employees are divided into groups, whispering, discussing the next victim, dividing latest news. On a small scale, such talk does not harm the company. But if an envious person appears at work, someone who likes to gossip and weave intrigues, then the consequences are disastrous. The working capacity of the team decreases, conflicts arise, and valuable personnel are lost. And in general, the atmosphere becomes tense as trust and respect disappear. How to deal with gossip in the office to maintain a working spirit?

What is hidden behind the concept of gossip?

We are designed in such a way that we are used to discussing events that have happened. Read new book or watched a film - gave an assessment, encountered an unpleasant scene in transport - discussed people's behavior, had a fight with relatives - shared details with colleagues. The listed examples fall more under the concept of discussion, since vile goals are not hidden behind this: to denigrate a person, make them angry, deprive them of a position or a bonus.

What is hidden behind the concept of gossip? Work gossip is divided into the following types:

Discussion or banter. This form is found in a friendly team. A group of employees gathers over tea and discusses the actions of one of the employees. At the same time, he is nearby, and the information is presented in a humorous manner. Or the team discusses the situation that happened the day before. Events can be both negative and positive. Discussion of an action or situation presupposes the presence of a person about whom we're talking about. The goal behind this is not to ridicule the employee, denigrate, or find fault with a colleague’s work.
Gossip. Unlike discussion, the format of the conversation changes. Information is given secretly, quietly, in a confidential tone. The goal of a gossip is to arouse interest in the interlocutor and show the negative sides of a particular person. To attract the attention of colleagues, such an employee makes up information or twists it around. To do this, it is enough to eavesdrop on a telephone conversation and turn what you hear into your own way. Gossip occurs for various reasons. A person who spreads false information wants to be the center of attention, has set a goal to remove the person from his position, and is jealous of the employee.

Gossip. Similar to gossip and reminiscent of the “broken phone” game. Someone heard the information, then passed it on to another employee, who told a friend in confidence, and so on. As a result, the data that reaches the manager is false and greatly distorted. Rumors also arise in teams where employees do not receive enough information from their boss.

Worried about jobs and misinterpreting snippets of overheard conversation, staff come up with horror stories about dismissal, salary cuts, and staff reductions.

It doesn’t happen that there is one villain at work who spreads rumors and employees. At some point, a colleague was supported and praised. I warned the boss about the inattentive attitude towards the work of a new employee and received gratitude. I started a conversation in the kitchen, discussing a co-worker, and received feedback from my colleagues. The mechanism starts quickly, and it is almost impossible to stop the spread of rumors. If you see that subordinates often whisper in the corners, then reconsider the workload. This means that the staff has free time to weave intrigues and discuss their boss and colleagues.

Where does gossip come from and how to stop it?

It is generally accepted that women enjoy discussing colleagues. But, if you find yourself in a male team, you will find out that rumors spread in any office. There are differences in the reasons why gossip occurs. Women are driven by curiosity to eavesdrop on a conversation between a manager or a successful colleague. From the scraps, a story is compiled, which is retold to other employees. At the same time, the colleague says that she may have misunderstood what she heard. But the rumor goes to another employee and additional facts are lost. As a result, it comes to you in such a disgusting form that it is offensive.

How to stop gossip?

It is useless to swear and prove the opposite to a troublemaker. The gossip will only conclude that he hit the nail on the head. Otherwise, why would you be so fussed over? Therefore, do not communicate with such a colleague, keep communications to a minimum. When meeting, do not talk about abstract topics. Even the answer to a harmless question, how are you, will be twisted by the gossiper.
Don't share your secrets. Leave information about your personal life and family problems at home. Don’t even think about telling a gossiper that you like a colleague from a neighboring department. After this, everyone will know the secret, but the rumor will come in an unsightly form.
Don't talk about employees. In order not to discuss something new, you have to be an iron man. Restrain yourself and do not give an answer to tricky questions: does the employee like it, how does he work, or how does he absorb the information? Avoid monosyllabic phrases.
Have an open conversation. Men in the fight for their careers are ready to trip up their opponents. This is where intrigue arises and rumors spread. If you have become a victim of gossip, then talk to a colleague. Men are straightforward, so they will not fuss, they will express complaints and grievances. After a frank conversation, there is a chance to improve relationships and continue working.

There is another situation. Not being the author of gossip, you picked up the information and told it to the next department. And at that moment they were caught red-handed. What to do in such a situation. Approach the employee you discussed and talk privately. Ask for forgiveness, then explain that you did something wrong by taking on someone else's words. Don’t make excuses by shifting responsibility onto the schemer. After all, you had a choice: not to listen to the gossip or not to pass it on. You chose the third option, so be responsible for spreading rumors.

How to respond to gossip?

It's unpleasant when you become a victim of an intriguer. You begin to wonder what you did wrong, why your colleague is biased. The whispers of your colleagues and the sidelong glances thrown in your direction are offensive. But frustrations and grievances cannot solve the situation. Getting fired would be the best gift for a gossiper. If you don’t want to give the troublemaker such pleasure, then learn how to respond correctly to gossip:

Don't get excited about taking what you hear to heart. Yes, it’s unpleasant to find out that there are rumors about you in the office, and untrue ones at that. But, there is no need to throw your fists at the enemy and threaten with violence. If a colleague spreads rumors to anger you, then the goal will be achieved. It's better to direct your energy to another area. Clarify the situation, where did such information come from, and why did your colleague take up arms against you. The real reasons will help you develop a future strategy.
Prepare the facts. You need to respond to gossip and restore your good name. Don't waste time making excuses or talking with colleagues. Focus your energy on finding evidence. Copies of meeting minutes, email correspondence, and witnesses to the conversation will be suitable. The search for facts depends on the subject of the rumor.

Having prepared truthful information, speak to your colleagues and offer to review the documents. This way you will make it clear to the quarrelsome person that it is useless to gossip against you.

Accept the rumors. If fables are told in front of you, among other employees, then nod your head. Say that what was said is the absolute truth. Just add irony or make it up. As a rule, petty gossips invent nonsense. If there are adequate colleagues around you, then they will not believe such nonsense. They will draw the right conclusions, smile at the stupid things they hear, and go on with their work tasks. Did they like the gossip? Then why waste energy and time on inadequate people.

If you suspect a colleague is gossiping, observe their behavior. External signs are a welcoming smile, friendliness, participation, and attentiveness to colleagues. Such an employee is on friendly terms with all his colleagues. Volunteers for community service, organizes holidays, collects money. From the outside he gives the impression of being an irreplaceable employee. Often goes to the boss's office. Behind closed doors, he takes off the mask of a friendly employee and reports to the boss about the mistakes of his colleagues.

How to deal with gossip in the office?

The head of the company sets the atmosphere in the team. If subordinates are in constant fear and unsure of the future, then rumors arise. Then the invented facts develop into gossip and employees no longer understand what is truth and fiction. The team is not working at full capacity, thinking about the upcoming changes. To prevent this situation, inform your subordinates about the company's plans, upcoming growth or reduction in advance. Talk to the team, find out their fears, dispel doubts. In large teams, people are appointed to this role.

How else to deal with gossip in the office?

Talk to the troublemaker. Start the conversation not with accusations, but with concern for your subordinate. Say you know the employee is spreading rumors. Ask why he is doing this. If the schemer stands his ground, claiming that he told the true truth, then thank him and say that you will check the information.
Eliminate the cause. If the gossiper openly spoke about the troubles, then think about how to help. At the same time, speak your thoughts out loud. For example, an employee was offended that he was not included in the training. Explain that you do not consider the subordinate to be the worst, but that a budget or topic was set that the troublemaker knows very well and can pass on experience himself.
Stop the rumors. Tell the intriguer that in your office it is forbidden to gossip, discuss other people behind their backs, or spread untrue rumors. Offer to approach you next time on controversial issues and express grievances directly. If gossip has spread throughout the office and stirred up the team, then gather your subordinates before the end of the working day. Tell them that you did your own research and found out that the information you received was not true. Provide facts if necessary.

To prevent gossip from continuing, establish company rules. Write down a clause prohibiting the spread of rumors, gossip and slander.

Thank you for the signal. There is some truth in every gossip. Rumors do not arise out of nowhere. They are built as a result of observing a person, overhearing a conversation or accidentally seeing scenes. Therefore, check the information carefully. Do not exclude the possibility that this is not a gossip, but a person defending the interests of the company.

The most important rule for a manager who fights gossip in the office is his own behavior. Never discuss someone who is not at the meeting. Prohibit subordinates from speaking badly about colleagues. If someone expressed the opinion that employee X is to blame for the delay in the project, say that you will now call him into the office and discuss the problem together.

Don't view gossip as an exceptional evil. Scientists have proven that when discussing other people and... This doesn't mean you should encourage gossip in the office. But a friendly discussion between colleagues will not harm the working atmosphere. The main thing is to teach your employees not to say nasty things behind their backs. Don't be afraid to take responsibility for what happens in the office. Some rumors are spread due to fear of losing a slave

January 17, 2014, 10:57

It's sad to know that people talk about you behind your back. Since such gossip spreads quickly, it is difficult to find the source of the gossip. It is for this reason that you will most likely only make things worse by trying to confront people who are spreading rumors about you. The best tactic in this case is to ignore. In addition, you can try to become more positive and change your perspective on gossip.

Steps

How to Deal with People Who Gossip

Don't do anything. You may be tempted to confront the person who is gossiping about you, in which case the best response to his actions is to ignore his gossip. Just think, this person will not be able to say these words to your face. Therefore, you should not give him new topics for gossip. Just stop this vicious cycle by completely ignoring gossip.

Treat gossipers with kindness. Another way to respond to gossip is to cultivate a kind attitude towards people. Gossipers will be confused and puzzled that you treat them so well even though they have been gossiping about you. Plus, if you take an optimistic approach to everything, gossipers may feel guilty for talking about you behind your back.

Set limits on gossip. If you find yourself spending a lot of time with people who talk about you behind your back, try to keep your distance from them. Remember that you don't have to be friends with them just because you are forced to work together.

• Be kind, but don't get close to gossipers. Don't tell them personal things that could become another topic of gossip in the future.

1. Think about the gossiper's motives. If your friend or acquaintance started spreading rumors about you, most likely he had his own reasons for this. Most good friends wouldn't spread negative rumors about you that might upset you. If your friend simply became involved in this gossip, try to find out why he did this, and also think about how he might react to these rumors.

   • Questions you can ask include: “How did you know what was going on?” or “What were you saying when you spread that rumor?” You can simply ask, “Why are you telling me this?” The answers to these questions will help you understand the gossiper's motives.
   • You don't have to end your relationship with the gossiper. But it would be wise to communicate with this person with greater care. Most likely, this person is not as innocent as he tries to seem. Perhaps he is the one spreading the gossip rather than trying to stop it.

2. Don't gossip. You already know how unpleasant it is when people talk about you behind your back. But if you don’t try to stop it, you can assume that you are also to blame for the current situation. Some people just like to discuss other people's personal lives, but remember that they won't be able to do this if they don't have listeners (that is, people who share their opinions).

   Talk to someone in authority. If gossip is interfering with your work or studies, you will need to address the issue at the administrative level. In this case, a teacher or supervisor will help you solve this problem.

... no matter how busy people are,
they always have time for gossip
and observing other people.

Unfortunately (or for some, fortunately), gossip and rumors accompany us throughout our lives. First, everyone argues about who our father is, then who we sleep with, then who we give birth to.

Women are evil creatures, and many of them are also unhappy. Therefore, saying nasty things about other representatives of the fairer sex is a well-known tradition that probably came from dinosaurs :).

Today we'll talk about how to deal with gossip and people who don't like you. After all, pure ignorance is not always an effective method!

Usually those who somehow stand out from the rest deserve gossip and slander. Perhaps you are prettier than others, taller, slimmer, smarter.

Of course, in the mouths of rivals this may sound like “tower”, “nerd”, “mop”. But you have eyes, and you can really REALLY evaluate your appearance, which means that the words of others are just words. From here we derive the First Rule of Combating Ill-Wishers (FRN):

Not a single carelessly thrown word should affect your self-esteem, self-love, your mood and well-being.

All this is nonsense and empty, not worth your attention and your nerves. Treat everything with a sense of humor, prepare a few caustic phrases that can be used in the fight against enemies :).

• Violetta, do you have anything important to do other than discuss me? I'm sorry, your life is terribly boring!
• Hmm, girls, it's sad. Spend an hour discussing my person. It would be better if you looked through the magazine, maybe you will become wiser!

Understand that a person who is looking for a reason to annoy others is most often complex and deeply unhappy. That is why, every time he says unpleasant things about you, we remember the second PBN:

You are more successful, more beautiful and better than this person, so just smile and ignore everything they say about you.

Another way to stop gossip is to have an open conversation. Just go up to the gossip girl and say something like “Did I hear you saying stuff behind my back? Maybe you can tell me this to my face?” Few people can avoid being confused by such pressure. Usually the gossiper mumbles for a long time, then tries to say something, but it turns out badly :).

Ignoring, caustic phrases in response, active attack - all these are methods of dealing with those who say nasty things about you. In the finale it is worth remembering one more PBN:

Never stoop to the level of gossips and enemies by inventing tall tales about their behavior. Don't spread rumors in response. It is better to say to your face about the stupidity of your interlocutor than to whisper it after him.

I'll tell you a couple of stories from my own life. At school I had outright ill-wishers. I honestly don’t know why I caused their displeasure. Although I am still sure that I am an order of magnitude more beautiful, smarter, slimmer and wittier than each of this strange trio :).

I never touched anyone, my personality itself attracted too much attention. Too tall, too active, everywhere I come first:). Who would love something like this! And these Three Little Pigs: Dirty, Fatty and Stupid constantly bothered me.

I used all three methods. I ignored, I made attacks, BUT relief came only at the moment when each of them acquired a boyfriend :). Do you feel connected? Self-doubt breeds anger!

Many years later. We all live nearby, and I see each of the three often. Dirty learned to wash her hair, but honestly, it didn’t save her. So something remained in her appearance as unpleasant as a stale T-shirt :).

The fat woman has become even more shapeless, works in a factory, and is not sure that she eats anything better than fried potatoes and beer.

The silly girl became a model. Expected :). Still stupid, but at least beautiful :).

I received higher education, has instilled excellent taste in herself, slim, with long legs. I read books, don't watch TV, don't drink beer. I prefer to go to the theater, communicate with smart people, learn new things, laugh, and not pay attention to idiots :).

I think you understand who spent their lives discussing other people’s shortcomings, and who spent their lives making their own even more invisible.

Regarding the second situation, I'm honestly still in shock :). One girl doesn't like me. We don’t know her personally, we never studied together and never communicated. She just doesn't love me :). What can I say? Some people clearly have phase deviations :).

Trying to analyze or fight her “dislike”, I think, is useless. I don't even try. I have so much MY OWN life that living in a small town, unlike most residents, I don’t have time to notice who is with whom and how many times :). They notice everything. Including details of who I left with, what time I arrived and what bouquet I went home with.

Before I had a permanent boyfriend, I was noticed in some relationships:). I had boyfriends and friends in cars, they picked me up from home and brought me back. You can learn a lot about yourself when you leave home with a classmate in one car, and arrive with your brother in another :).

I’m telling you all this to say that live your life, don’t waste your time and nerves on all sorts of nonsense, and it will all be rewarded with success and happiness

The subject of gossip, as a rule, is extraordinary, bright personalities. If you feel like an individual, it is best to treat gossip addressed to you with irony. But there is a category of professional gossips who purposefully and deliberately spread misinformation. Goals similar people can be very different: removal from office, harming the family or personal life of an opponent, discrediting a person in society.

If you care about your reputation, you can talk to someone who discusses your personal life. The likelihood that the gossiper will lose interest in you is high in this case.

In order not to become the subject of gossip in the team, you need to talk as little as possible about yourself, your plans, and family. By doing this, you will not give rise to gossip: no information - no pretext for discussion. By choosing politics, art or culture as a topic for communication, you narrow the circle of information about yourself as much as possible. There is a tried and true way to deal with gossip - a step forward. This means that you need to be proactive. Have you heard rumors about a non-existent romance with your boss or were you seen in the company? Make an appointment with your boss and leave the door half open. Express your thoughts correctly, without making excuses, without worrying. As they said in the famous film, we will take you with affection! By maintaining friendly and sincere relationships with colleagues, neighbors and acquaintances, you will be able to neutralize negative situations, if not 100%, then half for sure.

If you are the object of gossip, then:
- you shouldn’t protest too much, even if you’ve been touched to the quick;
- apply the shock therapy method, start agreeing with what they say about you, but this must be done in a humorous and ironic manner;
- control yourself and your emotions in any situation;
- try to talk to the gossiper alone;
- time is the best assistant, in no case focus your attention on rumors, everything will work out over time.

In any case, try to forgive people for their curiosity. Analyze the situation and find out the reasons for the rumors. If you can't get along with the gossip monger, eventually stop talking to him. But if the gossip goes beyond what is permitted, it will likely be necessary to develop a battle plan. Act wisely, steadfastly, with dignity, without losing your composure.